It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
This kid is going places
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.