Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.