Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
#Caturday
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.