I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
This is my cat’s medicine.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”