I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.