MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl