My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?