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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
U talkin 2 me?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.