50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
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So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special