me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
So inspired right now.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’d … I’d rather not.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
The photographer’s assistant
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.