Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”