*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Jail
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now