That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
You Might Also Like
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.