I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)