everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.