ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
You Might Also Like
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.