This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
An odd boast
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Oh my god
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment