@Carbosly

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

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@I___Aphrodite

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

@Parentpains

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@Playing_Dad

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

@ColoradoUgly

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

@craigstone_

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

@noog

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

@ieatanddrink

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th