I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂


“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet


My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.


My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.


I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.


Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.


Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.


Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?


New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)