I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
and this one
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.