I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to