Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m being attacked 😭
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs