Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.