Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Stop sending me this shit.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you know, you know
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.