My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Cat is stressing him out.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
dads on road-trips be like
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’