Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
multitasking lunch
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.