@mommajessiec I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
@sofarrsogud ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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@mommajessiec 
@kieransofar me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
@BunAndLeggings I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
@TheRolo One venti cheeseburger please.
@TheAlexNevil “SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
@sad_tree *sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
@Lisabug74 [laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
@ScottLinnen So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
@heapsOhate *finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.