ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.


me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?


I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”


*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost


[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”


When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.


So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.


*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.