ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!