Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.