going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?