Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

This rocks

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

And that about sums it up.