I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
who did the taste test?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*