I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
could’ve been anyone
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.