I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.