Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page