My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”