hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Got ya covered
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.