I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
rise and shine we got egg
Love this guy
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.