When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I love twitter
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Raisins are grape jerky.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.