My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
he’s doing your taxes
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.