“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Found the job I’m suited for
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving