The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
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Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
bury ourselves
Breaking news:
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie