Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

channeling her this year

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.