just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Does it…does it take 3 days
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: