The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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lol
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.