Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No