When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You Might Also Like
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.