Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
WHY?!
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.