My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day