america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc