Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
WTF
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now