I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
She was REALLY feeling it.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.