She was REALLY feeling it.
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13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer