With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching