boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there