betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
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Strange
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.