15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
You Might Also Like
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*walks into a wall*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
We need a new man of the house
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister