@nicfit75

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

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@jus4golf

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@Jesssicle

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

@NYC_Blonde

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

@KraftDinerr

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

@Reverend_Scott

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

@TheBoydP

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

@RandySmithWhat

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

@BuckyIsotope

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister