They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Möther may I have a snäck
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.