@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

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@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@BSdumbjokes

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

@simonblackwell

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

@NeilBensch

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@JermHimselfish

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.