Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!


Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.


At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.


Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!


Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst


“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)


The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out


Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.