Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™


My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.


it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”


The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm


I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying


“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples


if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm


It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.


Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.


When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.